Checking in

I know, I know...it's been way too long. Doesn't this always happen come summertime?

So this is me checking in. I'm home for the summer with my parents, working at Nike stocking up on clothes(love it!), and training for the Go Girl triathlon again this August.

I'm so going to place in my age group! :)

Pretty soon I'm going to try my best to get a real post going... who'd have thought that I'd be more busy in the summer than during school? Ugh.

But life is good and beautiful and that's all it needs to be!
Keep at it world!

How good are you at seeing the clues?

The Shutter Island review has found itself as the most popular article on the Statesman’s website. Perhaps that means

students are interested in seeing this movie… but I should mention I don’t give away any spoilers this time!  Scorsese’s film is a mind-bender, and seeing as how I’m still trying to figure out the ending, I really want you to be surprised. If you’re not into scary movies, don’t worry, this film isn’t scary. There is perhaps one “jump out of your seat” moment, and that’s just because it’s a darker film, literally. I do NOT do scary movies, but I braved the late viewing to see Shutter Island, and I was glad. It turned out to be a thriller and kept my mind engaged.

I didn’t pick up on any of the clues, which made the experience that much more intriguing.  If you see the film, I’d love to know your thoughts on the ending!

 

Into football?

After months of avoiding this movie (I think it’s was simply because I kept hearing so much about it, and I already knew the outcome) I finally caved.

I’m glad I did. Another Oscar nod, The Blindside makes it into the immortal inspirational sports-movie realm.

And it deserves it.  Now I’m anxious to see how it fairs at the awards.

What will we learn?

I was anxious to see An Education for numerous reasons. It’s an Oscar nod for Best Picture, a BBC film (I’m a fan of those Brits) and my creative nonfiction professor suggested I see it because I would love it.

I didn’t.

And in fact, it angered me.  Mainly because the characters are just stupid and driven by pleasure.

You’ll understand when you read the review. However, my editor did cut my last line which was sort of important in my point. I originally ended with how “Jenny learns to find character instead of just being a character. Something humanity could use an education in.”

Sometimes those opinions of mine are just too strong I guess.

We are all Precious.

 

This was a hard week; Precious isn’t your Friday-night fun movie, but it’s a movie worth seeing at least once. Make no mistake, it is graphic and hard to watch but moving. It’s a challenge.

That’s What Faith Can Do.

I am anxious. And it’s driving me crazy. You would think that with all of my running and other extreme exercising, my mind would be pretty full of endorphins and peaceful.
But no. I’m still anxious and impatient.

Ew. Patience.

I think it is so heavy on my heart right now because I feel like these next few weeks are going to be the longest weeks of my life. It’s like the night before Christmas for a 5 year old (or… for me still , a 23 year old…). When you’re young, Christmas Eve is the worst night of the year because you have faith that Santa is coming at some point but you have to fall asleep in order for the morning to arrive and the stockings to be filled. But you want the morning to arrive so badly that you just can’t sleep because of excitement. And so the night drags on.

My favorite Christmas Eve story comes from my mom and her four siblings. They were all pretty young, but they tell the story about how one Christmas Eve they all sat on the stairs just waiting and waiting to come down. They kept yelling and asking their dad if they could come down. Finally, he gave in. It was 3 am.

That’s me right now. I’m waiting for my Christmas morning to arrive. Casey is coming home… but I don’t know when officially. A date, a strong rumored date in about two weeks, has been thrown out there, but it’s so hard to make travel plans and rearrange schedules and really feel like he is coming home until we know for sure that’s the day.  Communication has been on the lag for about a week, and not talking to him kind of throws my heart out of wack. Even though not communicating with him means he’s more than likely moving around, traveling, and doing everything that needs to be done to come home.

I found myself praying yesterday, suddenly realizing that not only was this going to feel like the longest couple of weeks, but the scariest for me. Just because I worry, and like I said before, not talking with him or hearing from him makes my heart just feel funny. Even though I know I don’t have anything to worry about, but, I’m human…And even though not hearing from his is a very good thing!

In the rest of life, I’m also waiting to hear about a job I applied for. Which could or could not happen. Which also sort of directs me to move or not to move. If I can find other jobs to apply for and maybe get one. This also directs what races I want to run this summer, what tri club I would like to join…on and on and on.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m Peter. I’m waiting, but I’m waiting in the boat.

And God is watching me squirm (probably laughing a little at my silliness in all of this,) just waiting to see if I’ll step out on that water and trust. Because the truth about all of this, is that I know God is telling me to wait and to just have faith. To run the race knowing that the finish line is there. I am at a point in life where there is absolutely nothing I can do. And for control-freak me, that’s hard. Yet it shouldn’t be because I do this with my training and racing all the time. My current tri training is a 20 week program. Sure, I’d love to see some results after this week because my prep phase is over, but in reality, I have to keep persevering and quit worrying that my body is going to make it. Five weeks won’t get me into triathlete status. But putting in the time and work will. I have to trust that all the perseverance will culminate on race day.

That day when I finally cross the finishline.

 

   It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

I want to step out on that water. 

Which is why I am choosing to be the excited 5 year old and run the race, no matter how long the wait is.

Because that joyful morning always comes.
And crossing the finishline is a feeling like none other.

 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
— Philippians 4:6,7

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.
— Philippians 4:12,13

Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.
— Psalm 37:4

Tonight

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you 

 

 

 

 

So far away from where you are
Standing underneath the stars
I feel the beating of your heart
And I wish you were here

-Lifehouse, “From Where You Are”

Groundhog Day: A Day of Sunshine

How many of you have days and days or memories that you’d just like to forget? When I was seventeen, I made a list of hopes and aspirations for my life. They ranged from getting a tattoo, to kissing the Blarney Stone, to getting married in a church, to raising my kids in faith. It was full of silly things and important things. There is one, however, that falls under both categories. I hoped to someday sit on my back porch, while watching the sunrise, and look back on my life with no regrets.

Both strong and silly.

I find that a strong aspiration because as a seventeen year old it means I hoped to have enjoyed life and made perfect decisions, but as naive seventeen year old who knows nothing of the world, it was such a silly aspiration.

I am human after all and bound to make mistakes. So yes, even only a few years later, I already have a list of pains and regrets. 
Which makes me think of Groundhog Day. The movie of course. Here’s this bitter weather guy Phil reliving February 2nd  over and over and over again until he learns and changes heart… only then can his life can move forward and he finds joy.

Because we are human, we often live our regrets. They haunt us with “if onlys…” and “what ifs…” and we can drown in our past by letting our present and future turn into a dark and cold winter.
But what if, for once, we stopped reliving them? What if, instead, we focused on those good and beautiful days that eventually followed, that perhaps would not have happened if we hadn’t had those difficult seasons?

My devotion this morning struck a nerve… it read “Several years ago I went through a season in which my future was up in the air. My anxiety was so high at times, I could hardly pray. Eventually I got through that difficult time. But I learned an important lesson along the way that I cling to whenever another tough season comes along: Christians are not exempt from difficult seasons in life. We can expect them regularly.” It went on to talk about how God is a healer, not a genie, and that we cannot expect preferential treatment from God, as if he owed us our health and well-being in exchange for faithfulness. But instead, to trust and love Him.

Those difficult, winter seasons will always plague us, and we will make mistakes and have regrets. But if we didn’t then we would never grow in faith or heart. Hebrews 12:10-11 says, But God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

There was a season about a year and a half ago that brought a painful valley for me, but as I keep growing in faith, I keep seeing how God used that year to discipline me. I had to learn that the my world wasn’t, nor will ever be perfect, and had I not gone through that season, I would not have been able to experience the beautiful days of the past six months nor live the joyful days that are ahead of me. Granted, I still feel like I am at a place where my future is up in the air, and there are many days I find myself anxiety ridden. But I am learning to trust.

So perhaps instead of reliving those “if onlys…” and “what ifs…” I should be reliving the beautiful and joyful. As the literal winter always breaks way into summer, so will my days.  
For me, that day was August 12, 2009. A simple dinner with an old friend that turned out to be the peace that God had prepared me for. Had I never gone through a broken heart, I would not be capable of the love God has given Casey and I. There is one moment from that dinner when he inquired about my future, looked into my eyes asking me to stay that I will never forget. It was the moment my heart began fully trusting God because I knew He had just revealed my sunshine.

This then is the beautiful and joyful day I would relive for the rest of my life.

What if your world was turned into a time loop and you found yourself reliving the same day, what beautiful and joyful day would you choose?

 

“When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn't imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter.”

-Phil, Groundhog Day

Ready for a Leap?

I having a horrible time with this 300 word limit for my column, especially when I really enjoy a movie. So, after slicing the article in half, here is the original “Leap Year” review in case anyone would like more of my thoughts. I’ve linked the printed article in the second paragraph so you can check out the opostition.

*    *    *    *    *

      When I was a kid, I used to give “movie kisses.” I’d grab my family by both cheeks, plant one on the lips and make that silly muah noise. I guess even then I realized a kiss was something special.
     And as most romantic comedies would agree, “Leap Year” is no exception in the kissing department, especially when it offers advice to “always kiss like it’s the first time and the last time.”
     Directed by Anand Tucker, “Leap Year” is the story of Anna’s (Amy Adams) journey to fulfill the old Irish myth that women can propose to their boyfriends on Leap Day.
     After four years together, Anna’s perfect boyfriend Jeremy (played by Adam Scott) still hasn’t popped the question, so she, a perfectionist and planner, decides to take matters into her own hands as he heads off to Dublin for a work conference.
     From the very beginning, I knew it wasn’t going to work out between Anna and Jeremy. Their blank faces, emotionless body language and the fact that they never shared a kiss portrayed the truth.
     Besides, “Leap Year” is a romantic comedy after all, which means the appearance of the tall, dark and handsome other guy who is meant to overshadow the initial love interest.
     Declan, the scruffy, emotionless, barkeep played by Matthew Goode, hooked me with his Irish accent. He entered the picture as Anna’s taxi service from Dingle to Dublin, and right away they had the apparent opposition to each other.
     It took about forty-five minutes for the movie to finally get going, and I honestly wasn’t sure whether I was going to like it or not, even with my devotion to romcoms. Anna’s control-freak perfectionist nature and lack of appropriate walking footwear annoyed me.
     However, the Irish countryside (even if the scenery filmed was actually the West of Ireland when the movie was set on the East coast) kept me immersed until THE kiss.
     Because it’s always that first kiss, notoriously encouraged by someone who thinks the two strangers are together, when the love story starts.
     I find it impossible for two strangers, who could not be more opposite, to fall in love, especially when one of them has been in another relationship for years….but I’m a hopeful romantic at heart.
     And Anna and Declan did have a really passionate kiss.
     And in real life, a kiss sure tells a lot. This I know.
     Adams and Goode work well together, and by the end, there is a shift in their characters—Anna gives up her perfectionism and planning, while Declan falls into his emotions.
     So even though I have watched this storyline a million times…
     And even though real love takes more than three days….
     And even though the final sunset kiss on the Cliffs of Moher was overly cliché…
     I enjoyed every bit of the formulaic ending.
     I may have even teared up a little bit as I found myself caring about the characters.
     Because in the end, Universal Pictures’ “Leap Year” offers a little bit of something for all of us.
     Like a kiss, it “makes the heart young again and wipes out the years.”

What’s your joyous moment?

It’s been an joyous week. And I say this not to brag, but to prove the world wrong. I’ve been listening to Air1 this week, and the hot topic has been Monday.
According to Psychologists, Monday was the most depressing day of the year. I guess this day falls the third January of every year because the hoopla of the holidays is finally over, most people have already ignored their resolutions, Martin Luther King day is over and so this marks a long stretch until the next holiday, and on and on… As you can see, the reasons could keep going.

However, the stories about joy this week has been so heartwarming. Listeners keep calling in to talk about their joyous moments, and two have really made me smile. Yesterday a woman called in to share the story of how her and her husband heard their first baby’s heartbeat for the very first time. There’s nothing more joyous than the sound of life, and
I have this love of the sound and feel of heartbeats.

And I can only imagine how much joy that little flutter brought this couple.

Then this morning, another woman called in to share how sixteen years ago this Monday her husband proposed. Which sparked another caller sharing that Monday would’ve marked the 74th wedding anniversary of her grandparents.

The world, tied up in satan’s snares, tries to get us down. It tries to break our hope. And right now is the perfect time. Winter often brings sadness, depression, lack of sunlight, long days, and feelings of hopelessness. Though January rings in a brand new year, the excitement of holidays and family are over, we start to fail at our resolutions, tax season is around the corner, and maybe even some start to realize the consequences of the holiday eating and stress. This time of year really takes a toll on us.

But the Air1 conversation shows that no matter how much the world tries to take hold, God is there. In spite of what may seem like an unavoidable depressing time of year, He gives us joyous moments if we dare to hope in Him. Psalm 30:5, The Message version, says: Across a lifetime there is only love. The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter [joy comes in the morning]. So I started thinking about my last week and made of list of the joyous moments, big or small, in spite of a week of literal gloominess.  They aren’t as great and wonderful as a new life or celebration of love, but they are there. My training has been on the downside lately… I’m starting to feel tired, my body hurts because I’m beating it up so much, and it often feels like I’m never going to improve in speed, or volume, or strength. But something happened this week.

• I finally found my stroke in swimming. When I came into triathlon last year, I was not a swimmer. In fact, it’s still my weakness, though I’m past the fear of drowning stage. The biggest problem I faced was my lack of being able to multi-task while swimming. And by that I mean stroking my arms and kicking my legs at the same time. I don’t have very good coordination, and though I can make it several lengths in a pool, my form is not very smooth. Until this week. It was as if something just switched inside me halfway through my workout last Wednesday. I was about 400m into a swim and suddenly I was stroking and kicking at the same time. My body fell into a rhythm, and I felt everything working together.
• As I was practicing yoga this week, I found my body once again flipping the switch. My favorite stretch is regular Pigeon because it really helps me stretch the important muscles I use with running, but I’ve wanted to fall into the pose deeper for awhile, and I finally did. Yes, I twisted myself into Pigeon Crescent.
  I’ve been working on my core and balance, which I know has helped. It was a super neat feeling, just knowing that all the work has finally been coming together. 
• But better than that was Sunday’s weather. For a brief couple of hours, the sun shone brightly and the temperature hit about 53 degrees. Which means I ran outside in shorts and took it all in. Then it hit me that this kind of weather might not be around for awhile, so I took my new bike for a spin and enjoyed every, smooth moment of it.

It’s funny because I am at the point in my training where am exhausted  and really wondering if all this pushing is worth it, while most nights I go to bed with some kind of ache or pain. But those aha moments where everything just falls into place are worth every bit of hard work. Training, like life, is a process. And most of the time it seems like I’m just prepping and that I’m never going to feel any different. But then suddenly, that morning comes when everything—body, mind, spirit—just slide into one another and come together. And everything I have been working so hard for finally reveals itself.

So yes, I have had a lot of hard, depressing training days, but that joy was just around the corner.

• Not to mention that Masterpiece Theatre started their annual Jane Austen showing for the next five weeks, and premiered a new version of Emma.
• I took a step of faith and applied for my first job in a list of a few.
• The sun is shining again today!

  But the most joyous moment of all is that Casey is coming home. After a year of prayers, God is fulfilling that hope.  We still don’t have a for sure date when the guys will be back on home soil, but it’s soon. So very, very soon.

No matter the big or small, that one little piece of joy can change our day. Because when we focus on that joy, God roots it in our hearts and does something with it. He brings us peace.

So how can you fight the world? I’d like to hear your joyous moments.

 

"Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the Lord never ends!"
-Lamentations 3:21

In the Mood for a Good Detective Story?

This week “Sherlock Holmes” was up.

It was much different from the mystery stories I remember in my childhood, but I quite enjoyed it. One thing I didn’t have room to mention in the review was the score. AMAZING. Hans Zimmer was a genius with it. The music works in tandem with the action, slowing down or even going silent at key times.  There’s a very Irish feel to it, and Zimmer even describes it as “the famed Irish punk band The Pogues joining a Romanian orchestra.” His use of banjo was very interesting, but then again “real life happens in the pubs.”  
Here’s a taste: “The Rocky Road to Dublin” by the Dubliners played as the end credits rolled.

 

And I just noticed the article is number one on the ‘most popular’ list.  Exciting.

It is such happiness when Jane Austen and I get together.

My next five Sunday nights will be heavenly. It’s that time again for Masterpiece Classic: Jane Austen!  I really love the latest film versions of the novels M.C. has been producing. Two years ago they presented “The Complete Jane Austen” with a showing of all six novels, and new versions of Sense and Sensibility  and Persuasion.  Tomorrow and the following two weeks is the premier of Emma. Then Persuasion and finally Northanger Abbey.

Heavenly.

Here’s a sneak preview:

 

The Next Roger Ebert

It only took me four years, but I’m finally writing for my school newspaper this year!  Since I decided to try to lighten my workload with one less class this semester, I didn’t take a writing workshop, which is weird. I am so used to writing something creative every semester that’s been assigned to me… but I also think that keeps me from blogging and letting my brain move freely. Granted, it’d be great someday to have an editor or someone assigning me a piece every week that I get paid for… so I keep dreaming. Looking back though at the past year, I think my mind is overloaded with learning about writing, especially creative nonfiction, instead of just writing to write.

So, I skipped the class and instead got a job with the Statesman. Actually, I sort of feel into the job as a column writer. I have a connection with the Features editor and one day during a meeting for the English dept student committee, he was talking about needing some writers for review columns.

Now, I’m a movie lover and it’s been in the back of my mind for a long while that it would be fun to write movie reviews; one because I am constantly watching movies, two it’s pretty much my opinion, and three with my literature/critical background I think I could analyze movies pretty well. Oh, and I swear I am always trying to figure out the movie before it’s over.

I mentioned to him that I might be up for it and he was totally game. Plus I think because he was a little desperate for writers he didn’t even have me give him a sample...just sort of trusted that I could write. Here’s to diving off the cliff!

My editor set it up so he has two reviewers...sort of a dueling opinion, which is really neat especially when we disagree on the movie. We’re trying to catch up on the releases from over break, but here shortly we should be writing about weekly releases. I’ve found that my analytical background is coming in handy, and I’m learning the journalistic things along the way. Not to mention that it’s a different kind of creative non-fiction writing. I am indeed learning, but with a little more freedom.

Here’s to all you other movie lovers!

 

My First Column

 

Week Two

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Every great film should seem new every time you see it.”

-Roger Ebert

Bad Training Day #1 = Lesson #1

I wake up to another foggy and dreary day and all I can think is better, much better.

 

Though yesterday was a day off, a breather, and a day to celebrate the life of a man who gave his life fighting for equality and peace, I had trouble finding my peace.

Not to mention is was a horrible training day.

I’ve come up with a list of possibilities as to why yesterday just felt off for me. It was swim + bike + lift day 1 and I just didn’t feel any of it.  I got to the rec center and all the pool lanes were full which meant I had to bike first, which I really don’t like to do. Then, it seemed like every time I wanted a machine, or free space, someone else was lifting in what I needed. So I just didn’t. I skipped it. Swimming was ok…but I’m still trying to get my stroke back up to volume. I can barely swim 500m at once without my chest exploding. I think I took too much time away from swimming over the holidays, and it’s my weak leg. 

The list

• Too much too soon.  I’m doing three double workout days a week (swim + bike) and three run days a week with strength training interspersed for a total of four days. My day off is filled with yoga. Though I’m trying to build volume, maybe it’s too much right now.  This could possibly equal burnout too soon, fatigue, or injury if I keep up…I thought a 3x a week focus on each would help me build volume, which is really what I’m doing since I’m still new to triathlon. I hadn’t planned on doing much intensity training, but I’m thinking maybe I should shift down to a 2x a week focus so I don’t overwork myself and then once I get in the build phase really start including intensity.
  
• Nutrition. I am a healthy eater, as healthy as I can on a grad student’s pay, but this weekend wasn’t the best for me. I didn’t eat too horribly, but for some reason I feel like my body just rejects even the tiniest bit of junk food… or maybe that’s just my mind throwing the guilt at me. And water… oh water how plain you are. How I loathe drinking so much of you…but, no excuses. I just need too.
  
• Training alone. Hmm… I was fine all last summer working out by myself, but then again I had a lot of mental things pushing me as well as it was my first go round at triathlon. Perhaps I’m too comfortable with myself now. I think I need someone(s) to push me. Which could possibly happen. There’s a triathlon club here in town and they are having their first meeting Monday night.  I occasionally run into the founder in the rec center and I’m a member of the club on Facebook so I’m going to go. I at least need to meet people who are just as crazy as me.
  
• Training inside.  It’s cold and snowy and wet here which makes biking impossible, (and since I got a new bike for Christmas I’m dying to ride it.) Running is somewhat possible but my lungs hate the cold. (Ok, I think that’s just an excuse because my body hates inside even more.) I did my first outside run (with two friends Sunday) and it was good. I think I’m just going to have to suck it up.
  
• On that note… the weather. It’s winter here. Short days + Dark days = just a lethargic attitude. I know the winter months tend to affect people with S.A.D and when I was in high school I was diagnosed with it. But, I do feel really good this year. I honestly think a large part of S.A.D is waking up and making a choice… however, I understand the effects of chemicals. You can’t choose to change those, and I’m not a medicine kind of gal. My endorphins are going crazy right now, which helps. I’d rather workout than take pills.  I’m starting to slowly figure out what I would like to do after school, and I’m so happy with Casey. He’s the man I’ve been waiting my whole life for. But some days, like these last four, just get to my chemicals occasionally. Waking up to foggy, lack of yellow sunlight days just pulls so heavily on my chemicals. Sometimes I wish it was a simple as eating a few UV rays for energy (weird, I know…)
  

I’ve been listening to the radio (Air 1) as I type this and a caller just shared her story about the adoption process she and her husband have been trying to do for an orphan girl in Haiti. To boil it down, they didn’t start quite soon enough because they were not 100% sure and trusting that God would get then through it, and so now that the earthquake has hit, they are having a lot of trouble in the process. As she was crying and heartbroken, she started talking about just giving it over and trusting God… knowing that even if you aren’t 100% sure, He will take you through and work things out. And she just said something that really struck me, “Don’t miss those opportunities God places in front of you.”

Here I am whining about my bad training days and there is so much going on in the world… I think I hate training days like this because it makes me falter in what I think God is leading me to do. Which is to ultimately take my passion for running/athletics and share it with young girls. To somehow start some type of running group around here or somewhere, wherever God wants me…

I have this giant pull and passion because I know I have heard God calling me to do this, He has placed this dream on my heart, but I’m so scared. Because I don’t know exactly what to do… or how to even go about doing it. Or if I can even find funding/place/connections to start it. I’m a firm believer that God will use our lives and experiences to advance his kingdom, even when we make mistakes. And it’s like I know how I want to help his kingdom but I don’t know. It’s just not that clear yet. Or maybe I’m just not that patient.

But if that opportunity is there, I just need to trust. Just like my running. I trust that every time I put another foot down I will advance forward, and really, that’s all God asks us. One foot and He’ll move us.

 

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.”

“Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?'”

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Let the Waters Rise

On my way home from church today I heard this new song by Mikeschair. I’ve heard it a few times, but today I really listened. Something about the words really hit me… almost revelation like… and I found myself crying, sobbing actually, with a smile and a sense of peace.

I’m not totally sure what to make of it, but I wanted to share the lyrics.

 

Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?

Sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
'Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You'll never out of reach

God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

Safe

I’ve heard that grad school either makes or break you… and I have to admit that I felt pretty broken at the end of last semester. But, I survived. On my way to campus the first day, “Safe” by Phil Wickham came on the radio and I found myself singing at the top of my lungs:  “To the one who's dreams are falling all apart / And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart / I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own / but you're not all alone… / These are the hands that built the mountains / the hands that calm the seas / These are the arms that hold the heavens / they are holding you and me.”

I fell in love with this song last fall when he released it, but it really it me that morning. So many days I find myself not really knowing what I’m doing. Should I be in grad school? Should I get a job? If so, should I be teacher (even though I really don’t want too)? Or what should I really do with my life? Should I move away from here? Should I stay? Should I invest myself more into triathlon? Should I start a running group for young girls? And probably, sooner rather than later, how in the world am I ever going to merge my crazy, independent, selfish life with someone elses? And on and on and on. 

The way my life has played out these past twenty-some years, I realize that I’ve planned too much. I’ve tried to make every moment full of something; I’ve tried to plot out the next five years; I’ve tried to push myself in the direction I think I’m supposed to go; I’ve tried to find out so hard what I am supposed to do in life. But what I’ve really realized is that I dominate all of those way too much. Because when I look back… none of my plans have ever really, truly worked out. If they have in some way, I wasn’t always complete or happy… because they weren’t really God’s plans for my life… or I wasn’t seeking Him for direction.

I didn’t make any resolutions this new year for that very reason, but I feel like that was a good idea. I have no expectations of how I want things in my life to happen this 2010… I’m just going into it with an open heart, mind, and soul, trying my best one day at a time to seek Him and listen. I feel like this semester will be a very big decision making semester, and this time I refuse to make any plans or decide anything in life without first talking to Him about it. Because I know He knows my heart and those things that are so deeply hidden that I can’t even tackle yet because He knows I’m not ready.

And the thing is… I just have to have a little faith. All He asks me to do is put my sails up and sail. Just be. It’s not about what I want to do in life, it’s who I am supposed to be and how I love and show my passion along the way.

It’s sort of like a triathlon race. I did my first two last summer and they were the most crazy, chaotic races I have ever done because one segment moved to another moved to another. But someone else had the course planned out… and all I had to do was move from that one segment to the next, believing that I was safe along the way and would eventually reach the end where I would find rest and peace.

For once, even though life is so chaotic and seemingly out of control which is very hard for me to handle, yet I should realize… this is life! This is the the fun part of it, never knowing what will happen next. I am so ridiculously joyful about it, and hopeful… that I’m finding myself waking up ready for the craziness the day brings.
Because I believe He has complete control.

Because I know I am safe.

 

[And I think it also helps that I’ve started my triathlon training (6 am workouts!) so all those endorphins keep me happy. Not to mention that Casey will be home in forty-two days!! (And yes, every calendar I own has a countdown on it.)]

So what will your 2010 be like? More than likely you’ll find it to be chaotic and crazy too, but His hands are the hands that formed the intricate snowflake, built mountains, and calmed the sea. He created us so intricately and so strong. Why wouldn’t He also bring calm to our lives?

“Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”

-Psalm 90:12