I am anxious. And it’s driving me crazy. You would think that with all of my running and other extreme exercising, my mind would be pretty full of endorphins and peaceful.
But no. I’m still anxious and impatient.
Ew. Patience.
I think it is so heavy on my heart right now because I feel like these next few weeks are going to be the longest weeks of my life. It’s like the night before Christmas for a 5 year old (or… for me still , a 23 year old…). When you’re young, Christmas Eve is the worst night of the year because you have faith that Santa is coming at some point but you have to fall asleep in order for the morning to arrive and the stockings to be filled. But you want the morning to arrive so badly that you just can’t sleep because of excitement. And so the night drags on.
My favorite Christmas Eve story comes from my mom and her four siblings. They were all pretty young, but they tell the story about how one Christmas Eve they all sat on the stairs just waiting and waiting to come down. They kept yelling and asking their dad if they could come down. Finally, he gave in. It was 3 am.
That’s me right now. I’m waiting for my Christmas morning to arrive. Casey is coming home… but I don’t know when officially. A date, a strong rumored date in about two weeks, has been thrown out there, but it’s so hard to make travel plans and rearrange schedules and really feel like he is coming home until we know for sure that’s the day. Communication has been on the lag for about a week, and not talking to him kind of throws my heart out of wack. Even though not communicating with him means he’s more than likely moving around, traveling, and doing everything that needs to be done to come home.
I found myself praying yesterday, suddenly realizing that not only was this going to feel like the longest couple of weeks, but the scariest for me. Just because I worry, and like I said before, not talking with him or hearing from him makes my heart just feel funny. Even though I know I don’t have anything to worry about, but, I’m human…And even though not hearing from his is a very good thing!
In the rest of life, I’m also waiting to hear about a job I applied for. Which could or could not happen. Which also sort of directs me to move or not to move. If I can find other jobs to apply for and maybe get one. This also directs what races I want to run this summer, what tri club I would like to join…on and on and on.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m Peter. I’m waiting, but I’m waiting in the boat.
And God is watching me squirm (probably laughing a little at my silliness in all of this,) just waiting to see if I’ll step out on that water and trust. Because the truth about all of this, is that I know God is telling me to wait and to just have faith. To run the race knowing that the finish line is there. I am at a point in life where there is absolutely nothing I can do. And for control-freak me, that’s hard. Yet it shouldn’t be because I do this with my training and racing all the time. My current tri training is a 20 week program. Sure, I’d love to see some results after this week because my prep phase is over, but in reality, I have to keep persevering and quit worrying that my body is going to make it. Five weeks won’t get me into triathlete status. But putting in the time and work will. I have to trust that all the perseverance will culminate on race day.
That day when I finally cross the finishline.
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
I want to step out on that water.
Which is why I am choosing to be the excited 5 year old and run the race, no matter how long the wait is.
Because that joyful morning always comes.
And crossing the finishline is a feeling like none other.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
— Philippians 4:6,7
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.
— Philippians 4:12,13
Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.
— Psalm 37:4
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