I’ve heard that grad school either makes or break you… and I have to admit that I felt pretty broken at the end of last semester. But, I survived. On my way to campus the first day, “Safe” by Phil Wickham came on the radio and I found myself singing at the top of my lungs: “To the one who's dreams are falling all apart / And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart / I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own / but you're not all alone… / These are the hands that built the mountains / the hands that calm the seas / These are the arms that hold the heavens / they are holding you and me.”
I fell in love with this song last fall when he released it, but it really it me that morning. So many days I find myself not really knowing what I’m doing. Should I be in grad school? Should I get a job? If so, should I be teacher (even though I really don’t want too)? Or what should I really do with my life? Should I move away from here? Should I stay? Should I invest myself more into triathlon? Should I start a running group for young girls? And probably, sooner rather than later, how in the world am I ever going to merge my crazy, independent, selfish life with someone elses? And on and on and on.
The way my life has played out these past twenty-some years, I realize that I’ve planned too much. I’ve tried to make every moment full of something; I’ve tried to plot out the next five years; I’ve tried to push myself in the direction I think I’m supposed to go; I’ve tried to find out so hard what I am supposed to do in life. But what I’ve really realized is that I dominate all of those way too much. Because when I look back… none of my plans have ever really, truly worked out. If they have in some way, I wasn’t always complete or happy… because they weren’t really God’s plans for my life… or I wasn’t seeking Him for direction.
I didn’t make any resolutions this new year for that very reason, but I feel like that was a good idea. I have no expectations of how I want things in my life to happen this 2010… I’m just going into it with an open heart, mind, and soul, trying my best one day at a time to seek Him and listen. I feel like this semester will be a very big decision making semester, and this time I refuse to make any plans or decide anything in life without first talking to Him about it. Because I know He knows my heart and those things that are so deeply hidden that I can’t even tackle yet because He knows I’m not ready.
And the thing is… I just have to have a little faith. All He asks me to do is put my sails up and sail. Just be. It’s not about what I want to do in life, it’s who I am supposed to be and how I love and show my passion along the way.
It’s sort of like a triathlon race. I did my first two last summer and they were the most crazy, chaotic races I have ever done because one segment moved to another moved to another. But someone else had the course planned out… and all I had to do was move from that one segment to the next, believing that I was safe along the way and would eventually reach the end where I would find rest and peace.
For once, even though life is so chaotic and seemingly out of control which is very hard for me to handle, yet I should realize… this is life! This is the the fun part of it, never knowing what will happen next. I am so ridiculously joyful about it, and hopeful… that I’m finding myself waking up ready for the craziness the day brings.
Because I believe He has complete control.
Because I know I am safe.
[And I think it also helps that I’ve started my triathlon training (6 am workouts!) so all those endorphins keep me happy. Not to mention that Casey will be home in forty-two days!! (And yes, every calendar I own has a countdown on it.)]
So what will your 2010 be like? More than likely you’ll find it to be chaotic and crazy too, but His hands are the hands that 
“Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”
-Psalm 90:12
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