The Burnout

Here I was fearing burnout and I think I just finished the strongest ride of my training. I had a brick today of swim-bike but my work schedule is throwing me off and I didn’t get my swim in today. I was also extremely exhausted from a weekend of waitressing so my plan was to crash on the couch tonight and do nothing. But I talked myself out of it, got up, got dressed, headed out in wonderful weather for a ride and now I feel good! Really good.

The triathlon is a little over a month away and I’ve been worried that I’m getting burnout on my training. I think it’s a lack of motivation—I’m suddenly tired of doing all of this myself. I feel as if I have been pushing myself for so many weeks and that inner motivation is gone. It’s so much easier to become complacent and swim the same stroke, or ride on the same rhythm, or run the same pace. Lately, between being down with the flu, exhausted and almost burn-out, I keep questioning if I’m even going to finish this race. If I’m going to get better, or if I’ll always stay at this pace. If I want to keep going after this and do another, and another, and another…

And no matter how crappy I feel, I keep hearing something whisper in my heart “Keep training. Keep pushing. Keep racing.” Oftentimes it’s a jumble and I would much rather be complacent, but I know that won’t get me anywhere. And so I get up, dress myself with passion, and face the day. Near the end of my ride I turned into a neighborhood with this gigantic hill. Let me tell you, I don’t know the grade but I’m pretty sure this was almost straight up. It was maybe 100m total climb but there was no way I was riding the bike up it. So I jumped off and ran it up. Whoa did I feel the burn! But I didn’t feel like I gave up by not riding. (Normally I would) Instead, I felt stronger. And when I jumped back on to finishing cycling… there was no burnout left. I felt free.

(I’m also hoping new running shoes might help a little too. I picked up some bright yellow ones and I’m going for the fifteen day test run. I’ll either break them in for the race, or not like them, find a new pair and still have time to break them in.)

“I will never know myself until I do this on my own. I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed. I will never be anything until I break away from me. I will break away. I’ll find myself today. “

-Linkin Park

Tree-trunk legs

For the first time in my training, I felt the rush and strength of being a triathlete. I had a back to back active rest week this week and since I just felt completely out of it last week, I pushed myself and added some workouts into my days. And mentally, I felt so good this week. Swimming gave me confidence, biking gave me strength, yoga gave me clarity and joy, and running gave me freedom. Then there was the fact that as I am re-racking weights in the gym one day during work (because boys are silly don’t understand the concept) I had a pretty good looking guy ask me if I was a track runner. “I was,” I said, but I graduated and so now I kind of do my own thing.”
“Ok. Well, your calves are huge so I was just kind of wondering.”
I looked at him and his as equally good-looking buddy (myself trying not to blush) and explained I was training for a triathlon.
“That explains it. It’s just when you were moving the weights I noticed the muscle flex all the way up your leg.”
Then I tried not to blush again or to let a huge smile spread across my face. I’m not sure if he meant it as a compliment because he wasn’t really flirting, but that one little phrase was a huge compliment to me and made me feel like a triathlete. For so many years I have hated the fact that I am curvy and short, and have ‘tree-trunk’ legs. But in a society that pushes tall and skinny as perfect, it’s hard to be accepting of yourself. However, over the course of the year I’ve started to realize the strength of my legs and yes, they are ‘tree-trunks’ but there is nothing unbeautiful about that. And by changing my mind set, I can run with a strength and grace I have never before had.
Yesterday was an absolutely gorgeous sunny day and about 65 degrees, odd for this time of the year. However, I took advantage of it. My legs were a little heavy from biking the day before and sore from yoga (I’m even hardcore with that!) so I planned a moderate twenty minute jog around my neighborhood. I weaved in and out of the cul-de-sacs but the day grabbed me and I pushed my tempo some. It was so lovely running and feeling the warmth of the sun on my face. Once again I understood why I am a runner. I feel so at peace when I run. I create. I feel beautiful, and confident, and empowered. I may never win an Olympic race or qualify as an Elite athlete, but I have the chance to run. And to me, that is enough.
While I was running I found myself wondering what is it that makes my legs move? I mean physically. How is it that our brains and bodies work so in sync that we go out, make the decision to place one foot in front of the other at a quick pace, and it happens so fast. I found myself wondering if it is just a natural (well, it is…) phenomenon. Do I really think about running while I am running? Or are my heart and head so connected that it just happens? I understand the science of it, even if I am not a science person, but it just struck me yesterday. There are so many things that make us run, but to run like I do is almost something I cannot explain. My legs seem to have a heart of their own because they keep moving. They have the strength to climb hills, to go the distance, and to put up with a whole heck of a lot of pain. They are strong. But I know they are still connected to my mentality.

There was a new piece of art installed on my campus in front of the rec center this week, in lieu of the opening and dedication. It’s called “The Runner.”At the ceremony the artist explained how his piece is meant to bring life to where it is; how it is meant to be implanted into the soul and inspire the movement that is in all of us. “The Runner” is molded into the running form, one leg firmly planted, the other grasping for movement. I think it is a beautiful and I see where the artist is coming from. I look at the statue every time I walk in the doors and I, too, feel the need to run. Something deep inside of me pulls and tries to break out. Running is my soul. And really, it is in all of us. It’s a natural thing because out bodies are made for motion, but there is something about the peace and clarity that comes from moving that pulls at us too. We are not meant to be clouded, and jaded, and caged, but meant to be free from whatever holds us and drags us down. When I run, even if it is the smallest of steps, I feel as if I am flying. I have escaped and am free. I am new and at peace. I am searching for adventure and longing for that finish line. I am trusting in the strength of my legs to keep me going, wherever I am going too.

A girl at work asked me this yesterday if I ever have bad days, because she can’t imagine I do. But I am human and I have lots of bad days… but I think the freedom I feel from running carries over into the rest of my life. Or at least I have been trying to let it. When I run I feel grace—the chance that I have at life because my God has given it to me. For me, grace is a spiritual thing but also a human thing. Grace is a belief, it is love and a chance given but not deserved. Grace is also inside of me giving me confidence and beauty and strong legs. It is a mindset, a joy, hope. It is my run.
Even so, no matter how much I train physically, if I ignore the mentality of it all, I will get no where. Maybe that’s why my last week was tough, because my mind was just a little down. My legs, no matter how strong, are connected to my mind and so when it is not in the right place, they struggle. Our bodies realize when we stop believing in ourselves, and then they will break down. We are all created different, but we are all created good. And we all have wings longing to take us somewhere.

Let yourself fly.

“Since everything God created is good, we should not reject any of it but receive it with thanks. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come”

-1 Timothy 4: 4, 8

This is me taking a break…

Or at least trying too. Whew. It’s only Wednesday and what a week it has been!  Our new student rec center opened officially on Monday and between my two a day shifts and working out there, I feel as if I have a second home.

The dedication ceremony took place Friday and as a worker, I was asked to take part. With so many people coming through the building, my bosses wanted it to look in use, so all of us students who are working this summer got to “play around” in our areas. It was fun because I got a good workout in + got to be a part of the photo shoot for the school + got to be one of the first to use everything. Let me tell you, it’s hard to get a serious workout in though with cameras in your face; however, I feel like a fitness model or something. ha!

               

The opening this week has been exciting, and it’s so great to see so many people using the facility and excited to get healthy. I know I can’t seem to get enough. However, I’m trying not to lift too much because I don’t want to vary my training and exhaust myself. Which I can foresee myself doing. I work in the morning and the afternoon but have about a 5 hour break in between, so that’s when I squeeze my training in but now with the new center, I just want to do even more.

Take Monday for instance when I pulled my first 1000m swim. It wasn’t even a swim day but my body didn’t feel like running so I thought to myself, let’s try out the new pool, try out my new goggles, and see if I can do 600m without stopping yet. Sure enough I just felt like swimming. Twenty minutes and 1000m later I was feeling good. And my new aqua sphere Kaiman ladies goggles are amazing!! (And pink!) Yesterday, was my active rest day so I attended a yoga class and felt great walking out the door. But today, I’m tired. I think it’s the combo of early hours again, lots of working, and excitement. Plus the weather is dreary today and I have a pressure headache so I really don’t feel like cycling. So, I’m not going too. I did some more yoga and am just going to try and relax.
It’s hard finding the balance between training and over-training. I absolutely love doing it, and am slowly realizing how passionate I am about training, and being healthy, and connecting my heart and soul, and someday helping other woman do this.  BUT, I also need to learn when to breathe and simply take a break myself. Sometimes I feel like if I take even one day off my body is off or I feel like I’m missing out on something. And sometimes, my self-confidence waivers a little if I miss a day. But I have been reading about training this week and the importance of balancing it with rest, and what I have found is that it’s those rest days when our bodies actually do the most work. Because when we give it a break from physical training, it takes everything in and fixes itself. It heals and restores and builds up what we have been teaching it.

In essence, I could train and train and follow a hard, rigorous schedule, but could ultimately never get better or even hurt myself if I don’t rest. Isn’t life like that too? We become so busy and do so much that sometimes we never stop to breathe or to be quiet when really, that’s all we need. Rest can do so much for us if only we would understand that to rest doesn’t mean we are quitting or stopping. To rest means to simply take it all in and heal.

“Ultimately, the best runners are the ones who are willing to work very hard but who have a little bit of a lazy streak in them.”

-Benji Durden

A Torturous Twenty-five Minutes

“Something’s wrong with me,” I said to my mom when I called her at about six o’clock today.
“What?” She didn’t sound too alarmed. Good thing.
“I think something is wrong with me. I was barely able to run two miles in twenty-five minutes.”
“Oh. (relief) Maybe you are just having an off day.”
“I guess,” I replied feeling really dejected, but hoping for that response since she is a runner too. She understands those days when you just can’t run.

I, on the other, cannot. I mean, I know I am slow… but still, twenty-five minutes and barely over two miles?? That is back to my beginning days and discouraging considering I just ran the Fast Track mile at a 7-minute pace meaning I should have had three down pat tonight. Hrummmp. Last week I felt off and I’m supposed to be on again. I was ready to run but I just couldn’t. My legs were lead and the rest of me felt so weak. Double Hrummmp.

My mom is right though, as those wise women before us usually are and the main reason I call her every time something in my life seems a little off. Because I know she will have the answer even if I don’t want to hear it. And after I stew on it a little while, and sometimes kick my iron will out of the way, I will feel better.

“We all have those days sweetheart. Sometimes we just have too. Tomorrow, or whenever you run next will be better.”

I know, I know. I can’t always have good run days. And if I didn’t have the bad days then I wouldn’t ever know what a good, swift, smooth run would feel like. If I didn’t have any bad runs, I wouldn’t ever learn to fly.

So here’s hoping that tomorrow, which is my next run, will bring me wings.

“My feet keep me running, my wings make me fly”
-Joelle

Happy Fourth of July!

Happy Freedom day everyone!!! It feels so strange because I’ve missed the fireworks the last two years (working and out of the country last year—which was really strange!) and I might have missed them this year! I was thinking about going to the city tonight to see a great show, but depending on the rain, we’ll see. Although, it’s never a 4th of July without the rain.

Today is one of my favorite holidays, mostly because of what today is. The birth of our free nation and a celebration of all those who have fought for it. So thank you to every military man or woman. I’m so grateful to live in the United States of America. Say a prayer for those overseas today, may they know how much they are appreciated and looked up too.

On another great note—I ran the Fast Track Mile this morning. Not a 5k, obviously, but a race. I love running races on holidays—it just feels different and good and a great way to celebrate, especially on the 4th. I think I’m going to make it my own tradition. It just sets a good feel to the day. There were so many little girls running in the race that I couldn’t help but smile the whole time I was running. I hope they continue to enjoy running as they grow up as much as they did this morning. The smiling must have helped because I PR’d. 6:50—my fastest mile time yet.

I’ll keep it short and sweet today—Have a wonderful 4th of July! Hopefully it will be full of sun and cookouts and family and fireworks and freedom. Take it all in and smile. Remember today and dream.

“Freedom means the opportunity to be what we never thought we would be.”

-Daniel J. Boorstin

A hodgepodge of happiness

Good Friday Morning! More than likely some of you have today off for a three day weekend and are sleeping in, and though it may be eight o’clock in the morning, I too slept in. After a five o’clock alarm sounding every day so far this summer, seven thirty felt like heaven. I was the bold one who took the opening shift at the gym this summer and as of last night, we officially closed our doors. Bittersweet for me seeing as how I’ve only worked there for a year and really, the circumstances behind my job were interesting. I was an English major, not Exercise Science, but since fitness is such a hobby of mine, last spring I decided to put in an application at the school gym for the heck of it. I figured since I worked out enough there, I might as well try for a job. And somehow, my knowledge came through, and I’ve absolutely loved every minute of it. The job was a really good thing for me this year—I think it helped open me up some, I met a lot of great people, and in a round about way, I guess I see this job as a big part of who I am now. Without it and this past year, I wouldn’t be where I am. I wouldn’t be happy in what I’m figuring out about my life; I wouldn’t have taken in a lot about people, or had thoughts about how I want to help… I know, I’m being a little bit cryptic but that’s only because I’m still piecing my mind together about what it is I really want to do in life and it’s hard to explain all of my thoughts.
The reason the gym closed is because we are finally (finally!) opening the new student rec center on the 13^th. And, I will officially be a membership services representative and fitness floor specialist. I kind of like the titles…cheesy, but also a little proud. Ultimately I’ll have two jobs there for the rest of the summer. Still the early shift dealing with new memberships and working the fitness floor in the afternoons, equaling a total of thirty hours a week which makes me happy! I’ll have to cut back on waitressing during the week, but that’s ok. The new rec center is amazing and I think it’s worth the money we’ve had to put into it as students. It has an amazing lap pool connected to a lounge pool, upstairs walking track with abdominal machines section, two exercise rooms (for yoga, martial arts, etc), great new cycling room with brand new bikes, and the fitness floor—which feels like heaven when I walk in. Most everything is brand new. My supervisor bought a ton of cardio equipment—treadmills, ellipticals, stair climbers, bikes—all which have massive technology packages and training programs. Then the weights floor is set up in levels of three sections—kind of more first timer easier machines to hardcore lifters where everything is plated and you have to control the balance. Needless to say, me and the guys (I’m the only female working this summer) had to “test” out the equipment yesterday and next week. HA! I mean, our boss is going to give us a spot check to be sure we know how to set up people on machines so it’s only right that we learn how to use them. I’m pretty sore today, but wow, it’s one of the nicest gyms I’ve been in.

I took a little break from training this week. Next week was supposed to be my active rest weeks where I still do all of my training sessions, just less time everyday and a little bit easier. I decided to listen to my body instead and took it this week. I felt like lifting (probably in the spirit of the move) and so I’ve been sore, but also just really tired this week. I’m learning that yes, I have to and want to train, but if I don’t listen to my body once in awhile, that’s when an injury happens. So next week, I’m getting back at it and pushing just a little bit more. I’m getting so excited about the tri. Nervous, yes, but excited. I found out yesterday that the Irongirl Atlanta triathlon which took place in June, will be televised at the beginning of August. I will definitely be glued to my tv to watch all those strong women cross the finish line.

I also found someone to take a look at my bicycle for cheap (if not free). One of the guys I work with is an avid cyclists and actually was commissioned by the school to build some new trike bikes so he knows his stuff. I was going to take mine to a bike shop for a 60 dollar tune up, but it is so old (at least 20 years) I’m afraid they would strongly influence me to put all new gears and brakes and things on there, which I can’t afford. And really don’t need. All I want is this bike to get me through the first triathlon and if I fall in love with the sport, I’ll buy a new one. It still rides and two of the ten speeds work -easy and hard- that can get me through. It probably just needs cleaned up and some new brake pads which A. can fix. I figure if he will look at it and maybe show me some stuff, I can buy the new pieces from Wal-Mart and he can help me fix it. After all, if I’m going to be riding a bike for a while, I need to learn my stuff! Maybe that’s why I like running so much—grab a pair of tennis shoes and go! Not much maintenance. Besides, I actually really like this bike. It’s kind of like my pair of running shoes that got me through my first half marathon. Old, broken down, but has character and perseverance. It’s all about doing what you can, with what you have, where you are. I am a poor grad student, officially now as I received my final transcripts in the mail yesterday and am awaiting my degree, and though I complain about it a lot (sorry mom!) really, I’m so blessed with what I do have. God provides for what I need, when I need it. And the rest of the time, He’s given me a heart big enough and strong enough to cover everything else. 

And because I had a little extra money (actually, the perfect amount—how about that) I ordered some tri shorts. Perfect for swimming, biking, and running I can’t wait to tri them out. They’ll be a blessing on the bike, no more soreness from my seat!

Happy Fourth of July weekend everyone!

 

“For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

-Phillippians 4:11-13