Breaking the Chain

Yesterday brought one of those epiphany-like laughs my way. My training has switched around a little this week, more hours but varying the days as well, and instead of swimming on Friday, I biked. Ten o’clock in the morning seemed to be a good time except that it was already sweltering with humidity, but in between working it was the best time to get a good ride in. I put my sunscreen on, checked the tire pressure, and headed out. Clear blue skies and fairly empty roads set me up for what I was hoping to be a good ride. I had a good riding pace going into one of those really nice Utopian neighborhoods that I’ll never be able to afford when I started thinking to myself, What I am I going to do in life? Now, since I’ve graduated this seems to be on my mind lately because it’s the big elephant in the room when I’m with a lot of people. It’s the general question graduates are asked—probably number one for me right now—and I am so tired of saying “I don’t know yet” or making up something just to have an answer. I mean, I have an idea… of course I want to write that million dollar book, or even get paid to train and race, but in reality, those things aren’t going to happen on the levels I want. So somehow I have to combine my passions because it’s a must that I enjoy what I do, even if it takes me years to get there. But one thing is for sure, even though my jobs right now (waitress and fitness guru at a gym, soon to be new rec center) are not bad at all, I’m just tired of working for minimum wage.
These thoughts yesterday caused me to start having an interesting conversation with God, one of course which knocks me off my feet, or my bike, literally. Whatever I do I want to be able to put my faith into, or if it’s something I can’t so blatantly put it into, I want my faith to drive me. So I’m riding along asking why it is I can’t just know what career I’m going to end up with, or what city I’m going to move too, or even who I’m going to marry…I’m thinking it would be great to just know these things and it would eliminate all of my worry and wondering if I’m on the right track. And then suddenly I thought to myself… But in a race, do I really want to know how I’m going to cross the finish? Do I want to know if I will? Do I want to know my time? And once again life became a race.

I am training hard and trying to be so disciplined for this triathlon so that I can finish, but if I knew how I was going to finish, my training wouldn’t even be worth it. If I knew I was going to finish and say, with a good time, wouldn’t I be more likely to slack off or only push myself so hard… only as hard as I needed too? And then I started thinking about how finishing is only one tiny part of the race. Most of the experience, most of what I get out of finishing comes with my training. Everything leads up to the end of the race. All of my hard work, all of the sweat and pain, all of the great breakthrough days, and even the not-so-good days make it worth crossing that line. They build up the suspense, they teach—and if I knew the outcome would I really feel as accomplished and good about finishing as I do not knowing how I’m going to finish, but continuing to strive anyway?

And so here I was no about halfway into my 45 minute ride, peddling hard up a hill, my calves and quads screaming at me, when all of a sudden my feet start going round and round and I’m not going anywhere. I look down only to find that my chain has fallen off as I tried shifting gears. After all of the thoughts going through my head, I couldn’t help but laugh. I’m about four maybe five miles away from my apartment (luckily I have a phone) and I do NOT want to walk my bike back…but, I also know how to put the chain back on and that’s all it was. Nothing broken. It made me think about the experience though. Things like this happen when you’re riding or when you’re racing. The unexpected is ALWAYS there, but it’s half the fun because it’s where we learn. We learn how to fix things and how to take care of things. We learn humbleness , but we also learn that we can move on and get past things.

"The long race is there always, as a sort of platform on which to evaluate, and sometimes alter your life."
Benjamin Cheever

Though worry plagues me (not as much as it used too!) about the future, I just had that moment where I understood how we can’t just be told where we are going to end up in life or who with because it takes away everything about getting there. Maybe I don’t like these jobs right now and I’m discouraged about job searching or wondering if I’m at the right school, wondering if I should still pursue grad school, but everything, everything we do yields a lesson. And every bit of it makes that finish line—that ‘I love my job’, graduation, creating a family, so much sweeter. I mean, think about it—if we really knew the exact path our lives were going to take, how disciplined would we be on getting there? How much would we learn? Would we ever know strength?

I know that I probably haven’t dealt with the hardest, most discouraging, sad valleys of my life yet, but my life is constantly strengthening me for that. I know that I’ve planned and sometimes I still plan where it is I want to end up in life but that isn’t always where I’m going to end up. Proverbs 16:9 says In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. We’re not puppets on a string, I can choose where I want to go tomorrow, but I know God is whispering in my ear—kind of like my coach or my number 1 fan—saying “Keep going, keep running, you’ll get there. You have the strength.”

"Beyond the very extreme of fatigue and distress, we may find amounts of ease and power we never dreamed ourselves to own, sources of strength never taxed at all because we never push through the obstruction."
-William James, philosopher