Breaking the Chain

Yesterday brought one of those epiphany-like laughs my way. My training has switched around a little this week, more hours but varying the days as well, and instead of swimming on Friday, I biked. Ten o’clock in the morning seemed to be a good time except that it was already sweltering with humidity, but in between working it was the best time to get a good ride in. I put my sunscreen on, checked the tire pressure, and headed out. Clear blue skies and fairly empty roads set me up for what I was hoping to be a good ride. I had a good riding pace going into one of those really nice Utopian neighborhoods that I’ll never be able to afford when I started thinking to myself, What I am I going to do in life? Now, since I’ve graduated this seems to be on my mind lately because it’s the big elephant in the room when I’m with a lot of people. It’s the general question graduates are asked—probably number one for me right now—and I am so tired of saying “I don’t know yet” or making up something just to have an answer. I mean, I have an idea… of course I want to write that million dollar book, or even get paid to train and race, but in reality, those things aren’t going to happen on the levels I want. So somehow I have to combine my passions because it’s a must that I enjoy what I do, even if it takes me years to get there. But one thing is for sure, even though my jobs right now (waitress and fitness guru at a gym, soon to be new rec center) are not bad at all, I’m just tired of working for minimum wage.
These thoughts yesterday caused me to start having an interesting conversation with God, one of course which knocks me off my feet, or my bike, literally. Whatever I do I want to be able to put my faith into, or if it’s something I can’t so blatantly put it into, I want my faith to drive me. So I’m riding along asking why it is I can’t just know what career I’m going to end up with, or what city I’m going to move too, or even who I’m going to marry…I’m thinking it would be great to just know these things and it would eliminate all of my worry and wondering if I’m on the right track. And then suddenly I thought to myself… But in a race, do I really want to know how I’m going to cross the finish? Do I want to know if I will? Do I want to know my time? And once again life became a race.

I am training hard and trying to be so disciplined for this triathlon so that I can finish, but if I knew how I was going to finish, my training wouldn’t even be worth it. If I knew I was going to finish and say, with a good time, wouldn’t I be more likely to slack off or only push myself so hard… only as hard as I needed too? And then I started thinking about how finishing is only one tiny part of the race. Most of the experience, most of what I get out of finishing comes with my training. Everything leads up to the end of the race. All of my hard work, all of the sweat and pain, all of the great breakthrough days, and even the not-so-good days make it worth crossing that line. They build up the suspense, they teach—and if I knew the outcome would I really feel as accomplished and good about finishing as I do not knowing how I’m going to finish, but continuing to strive anyway?

And so here I was no about halfway into my 45 minute ride, peddling hard up a hill, my calves and quads screaming at me, when all of a sudden my feet start going round and round and I’m not going anywhere. I look down only to find that my chain has fallen off as I tried shifting gears. After all of the thoughts going through my head, I couldn’t help but laugh. I’m about four maybe five miles away from my apartment (luckily I have a phone) and I do NOT want to walk my bike back…but, I also know how to put the chain back on and that’s all it was. Nothing broken. It made me think about the experience though. Things like this happen when you’re riding or when you’re racing. The unexpected is ALWAYS there, but it’s half the fun because it’s where we learn. We learn how to fix things and how to take care of things. We learn humbleness , but we also learn that we can move on and get past things.

"The long race is there always, as a sort of platform on which to evaluate, and sometimes alter your life."
Benjamin Cheever

Though worry plagues me (not as much as it used too!) about the future, I just had that moment where I understood how we can’t just be told where we are going to end up in life or who with because it takes away everything about getting there. Maybe I don’t like these jobs right now and I’m discouraged about job searching or wondering if I’m at the right school, wondering if I should still pursue grad school, but everything, everything we do yields a lesson. And every bit of it makes that finish line—that ‘I love my job’, graduation, creating a family, so much sweeter. I mean, think about it—if we really knew the exact path our lives were going to take, how disciplined would we be on getting there? How much would we learn? Would we ever know strength?

I know that I probably haven’t dealt with the hardest, most discouraging, sad valleys of my life yet, but my life is constantly strengthening me for that. I know that I’ve planned and sometimes I still plan where it is I want to end up in life but that isn’t always where I’m going to end up. Proverbs 16:9 says In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. We’re not puppets on a string, I can choose where I want to go tomorrow, but I know God is whispering in my ear—kind of like my coach or my number 1 fan—saying “Keep going, keep running, you’ll get there. You have the strength.”

"Beyond the very extreme of fatigue and distress, we may find amounts of ease and power we never dreamed ourselves to own, sources of strength never taxed at all because we never push through the obstruction."
-William James, philosopher

Sweet Summertime

“Summer is a season of rest, growth, playfulness, reading, freedom, fun, and adventure.”

-Kristen Armstrong

Throw in racing and maybe the constant fall of summer storms and so far that’s my summer. These last three weeks have felt like such a season of rest for me, especially after the constant demanding year. I may have to get up early in the morning for work and hit job number two at night, while also training my butt off, yet I still find plenty of time to rest—usually around 2pm when I take that oh so coveted nap. I’m not sure if it’s still the revelation that I have graduated, or that I have a new home, or that I’ll finally be comfortable in one place for three months with hardly any obligations that makes me feel so at peace these days. Despite the past crazy weeks of on and off rain, summer has been different this year, but then again, in the last month I feel different myself.

Suddenly I have started a different chapter in my life and I have a new pen ready to write my days. Someone close to me told me just last week that I’ve changed tremendously since he saw me last, right near the end of school. That’s only been a month mind you. He looked at me and said, “You’re just different. More relaxed. Independent.” I cannot say I have purposely changed my thoughts or actions or tried to find a new personality but I feel it. It’s as if the moment I stop thinking about not worrying, about trying to relax, and about trying to be happy…I find the peace and strength I’ve been searching for all along How funny is it that when we just simply stop, whether searching, worrying, thinking, etc, we finally find?
I have a horrible habit of losing things. And I mean a horrible, uncanny, bumbling habit. I misplace my keys all of the time, I’ve been through five umbrellas this year because I can’t keep track of them, and I don’t know how many pairs of sunglasses I’ve lost throughout the years. But somehow, it never fails that the minute I stop looking for the object I have lost, I will find it. And here, I’ve stopped searching and trying to figure out how to be, and simply just am. It’s a neat feeling really—simply being. I’ve sat around contemplating, gone for some jogs, and spent hours at my computer this last week trying to write about it, but I can’t fully describe the feeling. It’s just different. It’s just good. It’s as if my heart, mind, and soul are in a season of rest, and growth, and playfulness. I’m seeking adventure and fun and freedom from whatever it was that was holding me down.

Summer is a unique time. As kids, these three months of freedom are what we live for every year. We spend countless hours in the sun splashing by the side of the pool burning energy and not missing the chance to play. We jump through the sprinkler, dive onto the Slip-n-Slide, chase the ice cream truck, and enjoy a melting orange dream sickle in the heat of the day not caring if more of it ends up on our hands than in our mouths leaving us gross and sticky. We play Frisbee with the dog, roast marshmallows until they’re black, carve our initials in trees, cower in the crook our of parents’ arms during thunderstorms, and illuminate our name with sparklers. We dance in rain showers, catch fireflies and sit in awe at fireworks on the fourth of July. And no matter how tired we are at the end of the day, we tumble into bed with reading lights or tell scary stories with our brothers, and then fall asleep with smiles on our faces awaiting the adventures the next day will bring us. We awake with the peace of carefree days and the strength to never stop running.
This!—this childlike wonderment and strength is what I long for in everything I do. This is what I am slowly discovering! Phillipians 4:7 says And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. There is this feeling that I find simply dwelling in me these days and I know it’s nothing I could have ever discovered on my own. I don’t know if I jarred it loose it while I was running one day, or if it crept up on me while I was just sitting in silence, or revealed itself while I was spending time with friends. However, I do know that it’s God-breathed and exactly what children discover in the summertime. And I cannot stop lifting up a smile of thanks for every moment.

So whether it’s chasing that ice cream bell before lunchtime, or dancing in a rain shower, or tumbling around on the floor with a puppy, take a moment to breathe in the sweet summertime and smile. As for me, I’m going to finish up work, discuss a little Irish Literature, and maybe cower under my mother’s arm if this thunderstorm reveals itself.

Here’s to Tri-ing!

Today I progressed from being a soulful runner to a hopeful triathlete. After much yearning and debating, and hoping and convincing, I signed up for the Go Girl Triathlon in Indy. For awhile I have been telling myself I’m going to tri a triathlon. Don’t get me wrong, I have the heart of a runner, but I feel the pull to tri something more. To push my body to do more. To build a base and tri for strength—of mind, of soul, of spirit, of heart. I have yet to run a full marathon simply because I have this hope of training with someone else. Those twenty mile training runs just do not sound appealing to attempt alone right now. And I’m holding out for the Nike Women’s Marathon (or the Dublin Marathon) as my first. Either of which I am bound and determined to get my mother to run with me. Plus, I’m hoping the constant rotation of exercise with a triathlon helps the hip heal…

Somehow I serendipitously stumbled across the information for this race and decided it was destiny. Or, it could just be the fact that it is close to home and easily affordable right now. Still. I feel it is my race. My eventual goal in life is to train for and complete the Irongirl Olympic distance triathlon in Vegas sometime (probably a few years from now), then a Half Ironman, and hopefully someday qualify for a full Ironman Tri.

For those who don’t know, there is a big difference in training and soul for these races. The Go Girl Tri is a sprint distance triathlon (the shortest tri distance and fastest growing race in the nation). I’ll be swimming 500 meters, biking 10 miles, and running 3.1 miles. And yes, that’s one right after the other and I’m hoping to complete it in the round abouts of an hour. The sprint is a really good distance to start with; however, I’m still going to need a lot of endurance—which is where my training comes in. [Riff: Olympic distance is 1.5 k swim, 40k bike, 10k run i.e. .9 mile, 24 miles, 6 mile; Iron man distance is 3.8k, 180k, 42k i.e. 2.4 mile, 112 miles, and a full marathon run-26.2 miles]. I am three weeks into endurance/heart rate based training where mostly my daily training is based on minutes, my total weekly on hours, and I’m pushing my cardio vascular levels. Not too hard, just to the point where I’m working hard and feeling strong. I give or take some speed work in all three areas, but I’m tri-ing not to bog myself down with specific workouts right now. My main goal is to finish the race and finish it strong and with a smile is what I’m going to do.

So yes, I am still runner and I will always be a runner—but for now, I’m seeing what opening myself can bring me. Maybe I can be a triathlete, even if I look like a fish out of water in the water. Swimming is NOT my strong point. I’ll never know unless I tri, and that’s exactly what I am doing.

My mother always said I was a strong willed child, here’s hoping that really it was just an Iron will.

 

“Think about the word 'amateur': It has its root in the Latin word 'amare', which means 'to love'--you do it for the love of the sport."
-Charles Carlson